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Parenting That Opens
Up Kids
Shaun R. Goodsell MA
Senior Performance Advisor
In consulting with many parents about their kids I often hear
parents say that their kids will not talk or open up to them. As
they are saying this I see the resignation on their face and hear it
in their voice firmly believing this is a by product of their age or
gender.
Certainly, it is true that there are some kids that are more verbal
then others but I do not believe kids are unwilling to open up to
their parents. What I see more often then not is that the parent is
not the kind of person a kid wants to open up to. Isn't it amazing
how easy it is to assume that there is a natural avoidance in our
kids to shut down around their parents rather then share what is
going on in their world? In an attempt to bring some hope and
optimism to resigned parents let me approach this challenge with
this question:
What would it take from me to increase
the chances of my kid opening
up to me?
With this question in mind it begs me to spend a little time on the
kind of parenting that tends to shut kids down. This could be a
topic for an article in and of itself. Simply stated kids are the
least likely to open up to parents that talk too much and express
very little curiosity in how and what their kids think. Parents that
tend to hunger and need their kid’s conversation tend to over power
and tell kids what they should be doing, thinking, and saying rather
then to gently probe with well articulated questions grounded in
patience to allow the kid to express themselves in their own words.
So what kinds of parents do kids want to
talk to? Parents that understand that their kids are on a
quest. A quest to own the ups and downs of their life, to enjoy and
struggle to find themselves and build confidence through
experiencing how their actions either breed positive outcomes or
distasteful ones using these points of data as opportunities to make
adjustments or stay the same, but either way, they know whatever
happened they owned. Therefore, the positive outcomes are attributed
to themselves and the negative outcomes bring a reality of where
growth is necessary. Parents that use well articulated questions
that draw their kids experiences out without demanding they have a
right to it allow kids to make the choice to share rather then
demand it. When this happens the kid chooses to share with a desire
to invite you into their world rather then pushing yourself in
whether you are invited or not. None of us respond well to people
breaking into our personal space. Kids included.
It has been my experience that kids love to invite parents into
their life journey but don't respond well to parents that try to
break in uninvited.
If you are intrigued by this topic and would like more information
on some parent coaching, contact us for more information and
upcoming training.
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